In my last blog post, I wrote about perseverance through struggles. I wrote about God bringing beauty from ashes in hopes to inspire someone that might be in the middle of a storm that is too big for themselves, not realizing that only a few days later, that person would be me. This blog post might not be as joyful as my previous ones. This one is not written from the outside looking in, but from the inside looking out.

I asked God at church last Sunday if He would put me through “trial by fire.” I asked Him to refine me and renew me in ways so that I can be strengthened in Him. And wow, He did not hesitate. Just hours after, I lost one of the most important relationships in my life. This person was in my life for 2 1/2 years, and we decided that it was best if we did not continue any longer. For the record, there is no ill will between this person and I, we just decided to go our separate ways; we are still supportive and care about each other, just not in the same ways. This was the most painful feeling that I had ever experienced. I called other friends and family and told them what happened, and the only words that I could say were, “this is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.”

This is a relationship that was sent straight from God, and that is where the confusion sets in. I have found myself questioning God, saying phrases such as, “why would You give me this person just to take them away?” I have also asked, “what changed?” I know that this is awful, but I want to be completely transparent so that maybe I can help someone out that is going through a similar situation. There are so many emotions running through my head, but the most prominent is loneliness. I miss having that person to talk to everyday and having someone to listen to my rants. Today it clicked: that person should have never been a person, it should have been God all along. I should have never relied on a person more than I relied on Jesus. I can’t speak for the both of us, but I believe that this is what God is trying to teach through this storm. My great-grandma reached out to me saying, “God is not surprised by this storm you are facing. He has got this.”

In the midst of all this confusion, here’s what I do know. God is greater than any struggle, including this one. Jesus has a love for me that I cannot comprehend, and in that I can find peace. I can never do anything to make God stop loving me, and I can rest in that truth. God will never leave or forsake me. He will always be by my side and be my number one supporter. Most importantly, God is my refuge in my strength, I am nothing without Him.

God, I pray that you continue to renew and refine me in whatever way you feel is needed, because as I said in my last blog, there is no trial without purpose. Your ways are better than mine and You know what is best for me in the end. Give me, and anyone who might be reading this in the same situation, the strength to get through this storm and teach us to rely only on Your perfect love. Amen.